Wednesday, December 14, 2016

Ninja Sleep Training Method: For the baby who fights sleep- we fight back!


Baby keeping you up all night? Having trouble getting baby to nap during the day? Are you exhausted and dread hearing that little cry yet again? Aren't we all! You know it's time. Sleep training. 

There are a lot of theories out there... But I have to say that none of them seem to fit my very advanced child, so I have come up with something new and groundbreaking.

Introducing: the Ninja Sleep Training Method (or N.S.T.M.) Other sleep training methods run the spectrum from very strict to purely free form, but they all tend to focus on the baby's inability to sleep as the problem. The Ninja Sleep Training Method focuses on the true root of the problem- not the child's sleep habits, but the parents' lack of ninja stealth skills to cope with them.

It isn't your baby's fault that they wake up when you put them in the crib, the parent must learn enough stealth skills to levitate the baby down so gently that they never even perceive the change in environment. This sleep training method not only allows for flexibility, it requires it. Some other methods claim that if you have to sneak out of the baby's room at night, you are doing something wrong. The Ninja method teaches that you are only doing something wrong if the baby wakes up while you are sneaking out of the room.

There are a few things that have to happen before I can publish my writings on this subject. I am a mother so I understand the sleepless nights, but this is obviously not enough credibility to speak authoritatively on the subject. Understandably I need to become a doctor of some kind, because staying up late studying for the MCAT or writing my PhD dissertation resembles the sleeplessness of mothers closely enough that I will then have the authority to tell all women everywhere how to raise their children. 

I intend to publish a 300 page book outlining all the details soon, but until then here is a chapter by chapter breakdown of what you can expect. 

Chapter 1- Why every other sleep training method is wrong

Chapter 2- Why the Ninja method is right

Chapter 3 and 4- Repeat what I said in chapters one and two so that every woman reading the book questions why she is wasting her time reading this instead of spending her precious time as a new mother taking a nap understands how important and true this information really is

Chapter 5- Overview of the system- this will help parents understand that their child's lack of sleep comes not from the child's inabilty to sleep, but rather the parents' lack of stealth training in creating the perfect environment of non-interference in which their child's sleep can truly thrive. You simply must make the baby believe that they have never left your arms for a single moment while in reality they are in their crib and you have full freedom to do as you please.

Chapter 6- Creating the environment- this will help you prepare your baby's environment for Ninja method success. This involves ridding any creaking doors, floors, and mattresses, clearing toys, learning to hold your breath, sneezes, coughs, etc., finding the perfect room temperature and sound machine setting, exercises in tip toeing, soundproofing your house from external disturbances, learning to use sign language or telepathy to communicate with your husband, and more.

Chapter 7- Specific techniques- Each of the following techniques will be taught and different belt colors will be awarded for mastering each new skill...
White belt- How to transfer the baby's mouth from breast or bottle to pacifier without waking
Yellow belt- How to lull a baby to sleep while checking social media on your phone without them noticing
Orange belt- How to place a sleeping baby into the crib without waking and effectively exit the room
Green belt- How to transfer sleeping baby from one spot to another without waking (from a carseat or stroller to the crib, etc.)
Blue belt- How to take a baby's temperature without waking them
Purple belt- How to change a baby's clothes without waking them
Brown belt- How to cook a meal requiring a food processor without interrupting a nap
Red belt- How to clean the house (including vacuuming in the baby's room) without waking the baby
Black belt- How to change a diaper in the middle of the night without the baby's awareness
*Most of these techniques require strong mind control and extreme stealth but can be achieved with practice. 

Chapter 8- The Catch- This chapter will explain how babies will actually absorb ninja skills that the parent has been learning through osmosis, especially if breastfeeding. Therefore, continued education and training is always necessary to stay one step ahead of the baby's ever-increasing knowledge of the methods used.

I haven't decided whether to market this as a simple 71 step program in a Bible sized book or offer it as a workout video series to get new moms back into shape post-pregnancy through stealth. Either way I'm sure it will be wildly popular. I'm also already working on a companion piece on how to get the baby to actually fall asleep called Wine and Dine: the art of drinking before breastfeeding Rock around the Clock: How to rock your baby for hours without getting seasick.

I hope that you are able to find your inner ninja and achieve the highest goal of any parent- sleep. Until then, just keep on keeping on, and know that you are not alone! When babies fight sleep- parents fight back!